of you who have been hanging around here for a while know that if I'm going to
exercise, I prefer that it be cloaked as a social event - like a nice dinner
do belong to a gym, and I go there regularly to say hi and see whether I can
pick up any recipes. If you need recipes, gyms are the best places to get them,
because everyone - even the taciturn guy with an iPod in his ears who's
bench-pressing their own body weight - is thinking about food.
my husband suggested purchasing a Wii Fit, I thought it would fit right in with
my party fitness philosophy. Play some games, have some fun and still be within
reach of popcorn and cookies - oops, I meant bananas and granola bars.
first thing the Wii asked was for me to create a little stand-in called a Mii.
It offered neither options for attractive hair highlights nor adequate
accessorizing opportunities. (No earrings? Barbaric.) But I came up with a
reasonable facsimile of the original.
it told me to step on the Balance Board. It does not reveal, as it's pleasantly
asking you to input your height, that there's a scale in the board. The machine
calculates the user's body mass index, which has been criticized as a
measurement of fitness, but apparently no one told the Wii.
my husband went through this process, the screen calmly told him that he was
slightly overweight (a surprise to both of us) and went on.
it was my turn, the screen flashed "obese!" and zoomed up its little
BMI thermometer into the red. According to the Wii, I should be dead.
biggest insult: When it calculated the BMI, it immediately ballooned up my Mii
like it was inflating a blimp. It gave me a fat Mii, which looked like a purple
soccer ball with pencil legs and a blond wig.
is supposed to be motivation?
told this story to virtually everyone, including people at my actual gym. All
have offered responses that are variations of my friend Chuck's: "That's
the rudeness doesn't end there.
my husband logs in, he gets pleasant little messages like, "This is a nice
evening to exercise, isn't it?" What does the thing say to me? "Watch
those afternoon snacks." It's like getting fortune cookies written by my
Wii Fit is a nag.
need to see this," my husband called out one night.
walked in to see on the screen: "So, how do you think Moose is
little stinker was talking about me behind my back.
continued, and the next screen asked, "Does Moose look thinner or about
the same?" Before I could control my sputtering outrage, my husband
clicked "about the same," and headed for the Rhythm Boxing workout,
which is one of his favorites (even though I regularly get the high score,
gave the wrong answer. Very wrong answer. I made unauthorized use of my bow (I
had been practicing my fiddle) to make sure he was aware that the correct
choice was "thinner."
matter. I'd had enough abuse from this machine.
called up the User Settings screen. I clicked on the height option. And
clicked. And clicked. Until my height reached 6 feet 1 inch.
I clicked "Enter," my Mii turned tall and willowy in a flash, just as
it was meant to be. The BMI thermometer floated placidly near the center.
that's what I call a workout.
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